Shed Till You’re Dead
I was sitting on my mat surrounded by 50 or so people I had never met before, I was preparing to journey on ketamine. We were instructed to journal whatever was coming to mind along with the intention as to what had brought us together to go inside. I had intended to dissolve the person who was no longer needed or aspects of myself that were no longer serving my higher self. We were asked to condense our thoughts into three words. Shed the clutter came to mind. We were then instructed to reduce our three words to a single word. Without hesitation, I wrote down the word Shed. I sat there staring at the word I had just written on the paper. I began to laugh in disbelief.
Now, I need to fill you in on where this comedic overview comes from. When I was a teenager, my best friend, Drew Austin and I agreed to get the phrases "Ride Till We Die" and "Shred Till We Dead" tattooed on us. My first tattoo was 'Ride Till We Die' along the inside of my left foot. We have two feet and the phrase is two parts… so, a few months later I returned to get the second half blasted on my right foot. To make a longer story shorter due to some overlooking on both parties I ended up with a tattoo that said 'Shed Till We Dead'… needless to say I was gutted. I was 18 and my ego couldn’t bear it. I had it removed using laser therapy as soon as the foot could handle it. Laser hurts more for the record. So, I’m sure you can start to see the irony playing out at this point. Okay back to the story!
I received a call from a good friend who was offering the opportunity to explore breathwork stacked with ketamine with a small intimate group of people. This type of experience had been on my radar for a couple of years and the opportunity had just presented itself. I was an absolute fuck yes.
The week before my internal journey I was scheduled to ride at West Rock, which is a wakeboarding cable park in Rockford Illinois. I would be travelling alongside my Outhouse crewmembers. Outhouse was a brand born from the creative mind of Derek Brown. This concept has since birthed four full-length movies and a camaraderie that cannot be dissolved. I was scheduled to travel from Tuesday to Friday and then venture inward on Saturday. I was set up for a good few days.
Due to many factors, Westrock was the first trip I’d gone on in a couple of years. I had not left the country since March 2020. I managed to cross the land border with ease and made my way to Rockford with my boys. We all rode like animals, drank like fish, and laughed like hyenas. It was everything my soul needed.
With some new accomplishments under our belts, we endured the 10-hour trek home. Luckily, the guys I was travelling with enjoyed heavy metal as much as I did, so it was nonstop bangers and music sharing the entire way. It made for a wonderful drive.
At this point in time, getting back into Canada was not as easy as it is now. In my situation, I had to know what to say, how to say it, and carry confidence through my words to avoid a heavy fine. I was able to navigate customs and avoid Health Canada. It was the first time in my life I felt as if I had control in a situation with authority and I did not back down. We had made it back fine-free and the feeling was pretty incredible.
The following morning I received a call from my homey who was to brief me on the event taking place later in the evening. The location of the event, prerequisites, and expectations. I’ve noticed within the last few years I often confuse excitement with anxiety. The feelings seem to mock each other. Sometimes indistinguishable. I was very excited and I was clearly anxious.
The universe had my back, I was asked to dog sit my sweet boy Chauka that same night just a few blocks from the location of the breathwork session. I had a condo to myself for the night. There is no driving or any worry about getting home after the session.
I arrived at the location shortly before the session and was very surprised at the collection of people who had the same intention as myself. There were a few younger people in their early 20s but what surprised me the most was the amount of people in their 40s 50s and 60s. The consensus was these people were not here to get high. These people were here to explore pain, uncover pieces of themselves buried in time, and some looking for guidance on the next steps in their lives.
I met a small group of these people intimately. Part of the process was becoming comfortable with the strangers surrounding you to allow yourself to let go. If you feel supported you will go deeper. A quick way to access these emotions is by sharing vulnerability and showing compassion. My group shared with each other what had brought them here and what they were looking for. These conversations were accompanied by small rounds of applause, laughter, and even tears. I found myself holding space and weeping for people I had just met. That part alone was pretty incredible. Some of these people were dealing with the death of loved ones, the death of relationships, a new book release, and even a young actress looking for insights.
We returned to our individual mats which had been paired with a blindfold, pen and paper, blankets and pillow, and our medicine. This next portion of the event we were instructed to unwind what was in our minds onto the paper in front of us. The task was to continue writing for five minutes straight. Regardless of what was in your mind, you wrote it down. The goal is to clear the head and find deeper intention. When the mind is no longer thinking the subconscious is easier to access.
We were instructed to journal whatever was coming to mind along with the intention as to what had brought us together to go inside. I had intended to dissolve the person who was no longer needed or aspects of myself that were no longer serving my higher self. We were asked to condense our thoughts into three words. Shed the clutter came to mind. We were then instructed to reduce our three words to a single word. Without hesitation, I wrote down the word Shed. I sat there staring at the word I had just written on the paper. I began to laugh in disbelief.
The journalling session came to an end and it was time to journey. I was channelling the brave and courageous part of my being. Reminding myself of the border crossing, which in itself took a lot of bravery. There were specific tricks at Westrock that I pushed myself to try that followed me to this journey. I was collecting proof of my courage to ground myself through these next few hours.
With my intention set and the music starting we were ready to journey. Eyes were blindfolded and medicine in hand, we were off.
If you were unfamiliar with breathwork we were following a set of eight back-to-back sessions. It’s about 2 to 3 minutes each with varying frequencies of inhales, exhales, and breath holds. This alone is very psychedelic. I have had pretty intense visions on breathwork alone.
We were educated on the medicines’ safety as well as efficacy alongside the countless trials that had brought it to where it was in current medical practices. If you’re interested in learning more about this please check out Field Trip. We were individually dosing for micro, medium, or macro also known as psychedelic. My intention was to feel my way through the experience. Ideally, I would find some comfort and end on psychedelic. The delivery system was intranasal. It was a spray similar to a sinus remedy with essential oils. If you have ever experienced the drips before you’ll know why this is nice to have…
I began with a microdose. With the introduction of each new song a.k.a. breathwork session, we were invited to medicate as we desired. My initial experience felt as if I was lying on an inflatable pool toy in the middle of a pool where ten people had just cannonballed. I felt as if I was rocking back and forth in unsteady water. There was no fear or concern at this point so I continued on. I could feel the breathwork doing its job. My body began to experience tetany (contracting of muscles) and my third eye vision started to open. As we continued through the songs, I could feel my body getting heavier. As we enter the last song it was our last opportunity to dose. At this point, I had been taking a psychedelic dose for the last six rounds. My medicine container was nearly empty so I unloaded that little vile. At the end of each song, your body is so hyper-oxygenated that you can hold your breath for about two minutes with ease. During this last breath hold, the third eye vision completely opened up.
It began with a perspective of lying down in an IMAX theatre with a blue light shining on the ceiling to my left and then a yellow light to the right. Within a matter of seconds, both of those lights dissolved and these fluorescent totems began shooting up from the ground. Specifically, they were Mayan totems. Holding the faces of animals in great detail. These neon totems also dissolved and gave way to other astrological visions. I watched the show that was happening in front of me in awe. I could not believe the details of what I was seeing.
Finally, I found myself lying on some sort of cliff by myself staring out into this galactic scene. It was as if stars and clouds had merged together. The vastness of what I was seeing was hard to comprehend. I have been in some large valleys in British Columbia and this felt to supersede the size of those valleys. I was able to look around with my blindfold on as if I was sitting outside. This was my resting place. I felt comfortable. I felt at home. I felt extremely content as if I could hang out there for ages. For a chronically busy mind, this was nice to feel. I called in my intention at this point. I also called in a friend of mine who had passed away a year prior. He was not there this time, but I will see him again. When I allowed myself to be vulnerable in that space I called in anxiety and fear. For some reason, I felt that these emotions might be useful or I could challenge them at that moment. At that time they were not needed. I think that is a pattern of mine to call in anxiety when I’m comfortable or call in fear when I am comfortable. It’s a little version of my own self-sabotage. When I made my intention known that I was here to shed and was ready to release and feel what needed to be felt I was met with a beautiful message. This message let me know that I did not come here to shed all at once. I had been doing the work for the last two years of my life. And that I was welcome to just stay here and relax. It was beautiful and very much unexpected. It was also a recognition of the work that I have been putting in. As an individual I’m very hard on myself yet I don’t recognize what that looks like. This helped me gain insight into what that looks like.
I continued to lie on my elbow (in my vision) and watch the cloudy star formations in front of me as long as I could hold onto them. When I felt myself fading back to reality I knew I did not want to go back. I wanted to hang out there a little longer. This was not the plan. During this whole time, I was not aware of my breathing or my body unless I consciously thought about it. There were times I wanted to see if I could still move. In case there was a fire in the building or a situation where we had to leave I wanted to make sure that I was in a position to be able to do that. I was but at the same time, I was able to leave that physical space to rest and fully access my subconscious without the recognition of my body existing.
As I began to fade back into my body I was more aware of the sounds that were surrounding me, the weight of my body, and the slight come down I was experiencing. For those familiar with MDMA it was a familiar feeling, but it was short-lived. I was uncomfortable for about 30 minutes wishing I had been somewhere else dealing with what is known as the comedown.
When I was no longer able to access my dream state and was fully aware of my body, I became slightly restless as I acknowledged my bladder was quite swollen. At this point, I removed my blindfold and everything was slightly fuzzy. The kicker was I was not able to get off of my mat. I’m writing this with a large smile on my face because it was an experience like none other. I did not feel as if I was drunk the only way I could put it was as if all of my joints were on a swivel and I was a marionette. Walking to the bathroom was one of the hardest challenges of the night. It was hilarious and quite the experience.
When I made my way back to my mat I laid down in comfort and waited for the rest of the participants to arrive. We gathered in our groups and shared our experiences. Some of the participants had enjoyed only the breath work, some microdosed their way through and some found the infamous K holel. It was all supported and enjoyed. What I gained from our communal share was clarity. Oddly enough many of us had seen similar visions as if we were accessing the same consciousness. It was very interesting to hear some of the personal stories that were shared. To me, this opened Pandora’s box as to where we all had just gone. I knew that I would be exploring this for a while in different settings using different modalities with different people.
When it was safe to leave I packed up my things said my goodbyes and headed back home. I have found over the years that when you push your boundaries you find a high of sorts. This occurs mostly in sober states for me. It’s immediate feedback of your bravery and it’s immediate growth. You explore something new meaning you learned and you gained. I was very proud of myself and incredibly thankful for the opportunity.
Every couple of months I reread the notes that I had written that night. I still laugh when I read Shed. I can’t believe how much that word has weaved itself into my soul. We will forever shed. Reptiles shed their skin when they are ready to grow. I encourage you to shed your skin when you are ready to grow. Remember, growth is uncomfortable. It often hurts or brings discomfort but sometimes you are ready and it feels good. There’s a symbol known as an Oruborus. It’s a snake eating its tail signifying a cycle of being reborn from itself. We are the Oruboros.
I now wear an Outhouse tattoo with the words Shed Till You’re Dead forever on my skin.
To Jay LeBlanc, the original creator of Shed Till You’re Dead, I truly thank you. I may have jumped the gun and had that tattoo removed and never in a million years saw myself reclaiming that phrase. It turns out there are no mistakes.
Shout out to Code D’Amico for bringing it back to life.
